FLORIDA FUNTIMES!

I have arrived in Florida.  It is time for action!

Hello, Chicken Rangers! I'm updating from Sarasota Florida, home of my cousin Eric Risser. Something we have forgotten since the Civil War is that we may all be Americans, but that doesn't mean that we're all the same. Yes, though we may pretend to stand side by side in patriotic patriotism as our country goes through its most recent troubles, many of us hate each other due to sectional differences so alarming that its surprising we are even one country. For example, in Texas we all drive big pick ups and own horses and live on a ranch were we work hard all day even though we dress like country music singers and land now costs tons of money. Meanwhile in Florida, everyone lives next to the Ocean and is a surfer dude. Instead of buying groceries at HEB, they go to some place called "Publix" which is teal green and costs as much as Albertsons used and even though Albertsons here is less expense, Publix does better. In Florida, their Burger Kings have strange fonts, and a few years ago, George W. Bush wasn't the governor... Jeb Bush was the governor. In Florida, they even have street lamps attatched to Brown, rather than silver, poles. It is truly like visiting some alternate universe. But the differences don't stop there! After spending some time in Florida, its clear that not even my normal life can be the same here.

Here are some of the differences I've noticed about my life in Florida as oppossed to Texas.

FLORIDA
Wake up late each mourning after dreaming about... uh, Transformers. Begin to watch television or go back to sleep.
HOME
Wake up early each mourning to my Dad telling one of his hilarious "It's time to go work" jokes after dreaming that all of my teeth fell out and then I died. Screw around for two hours in a senseless daze and then walk out into the sun.

FLORIDA
Computer monitor is also connected to a big TV, so I can play videogames I've made on a large screen, as though they are real console games!
HOME
Computer monitor is attatched to spider web which includes Spider that may or may not be dead.

FLORIDA
For company, some Eric person sits around in the room and occosionally steals computer away from me to look at videogames.
HOME
Sister Kappy occosionally steals computer from me to sit in front of it and read "funny" NSYNC webpages to her friends over the phone who are also on the internet and for some reason need Kappy to narrate. Sometimes a large bee appears in the room and I get to play the "shoo bee out of the small hole in the house" game.

I play videogames while Eric stands vigil in the background.  I like Eric, but he can't hold a candle to the large spooky bee who occasionally gets stuck in my room.

FLORIDA
Go skim boarding at the beach, fall and bust face.
HOME
Ride bike to barn, fall and bust face.

FLORIDA
Watch funny cartoon show on Cable TV.
HOME
Watch Sally Jesse Raphael on Network TV.

FLORIDA
Play "Strider 2" on Playstation.
HOME
Play "hide from parents by pretending to be asleep" when at house.

FLORIDA
Sleep in Eric's room on huge couch alongside gigantic system of shelves which house all of his videogames.
HOME
Use pitch fork and shovel to clear a space on my futton and go to sleep while the Spider's sing me a lullabye.

FLORIDA
Watch streaming internet videos from E3.
HOME
Wait for "Remote Control" to finish loading at Mister Film's site.

FLORIDA
Use restroom across hall.
HOME
Use restroom across road five acres away in other house. Light torch to ward off monsters.

FLORIDA
Hang around with Eric while he graduates still around the hazy blurry warmth that is high school.
HOME
Live in the nihlistic cold catatonic state that is college.

Eric was very happy when I watched him graduate High School.  Nothing like getting a diploma which basically proves you aren't retarded.

FLORIDA
Experience the full effect of dual grandmas without any shielding.
HOME
Only one Grandma to ever deal with which is kept in a seperate, self contained "Guest" house.

FLORIDA
Eric's mom wakes me up by saying it is... "Wakey wakey uppy uppy time".
HOME
Dad gets the dog to bring him a large rock from the yard which he throws it at my leg, screaming "I HAVE NO SON!!!"

FLORIDA
Poptarts don't have frosting on outside!
HOME
Oh wait, we just got a different package, we have them like that there too.

FLORIDA
Occasionally experience the hard work of washing dishes.
HOME
Occasionally experience the hard work of moving 120 sixty lb bales of hay.

FLORIDA
Watch South Park by turning on TV. (Cable)
HOME
Watch South Park by searching the internet for hours or going to John's house saying I want to "hang out". Yeah right, sucker!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to look at the Internet for four hours, then watch cartoons before falling asleep during SNL reruns on Comedy Central. But not before I eat five pounds of cereal and three smores Poptarts, and then follow it down with some choclate milk all without exercising. Oar riva!

Everyone stands for one last photo to say goodbye.  I'll miss you, Floridians!

(C) 2002 Tim Simpson