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"Spin
6" SCRIPT REVIEW
For the unitiated,
"Spin 6" is Mister Films newest project. Currently, it
is in preproduction, and should be ready by next year. Now I know
that there are a lot of Mister Films fans who frequent this site-
it is an known fact that when anybody goes to a webpage, the
moment they deem it enjoyable they will instantly click on the
"links" section and head somewhere else. So many people
who frequent www.misterfilms.com see the words "Lady Pousha"
which link over here and think "that sounds like something
vaguely homosexual. I'm in!" and then click on the banner
image.
So I know I'm
addressing a large portion of the Mister Films demographic with
this article, and there's a lot of people who are definetly
looking foward to Spin 6 having enjoyed Matt Ryan's previous
excellent works. Well, they won't have to wait a year to find out
how good this thing is, because I just got the script from the M
dog himself and spent all of this night and the last pouring
through it, painfully I might add, just so I could get my verdict
out to all of you as quickly as possible on this whole thing.
Quite frankly, it
sucks.
 
Matt included pictures
with the script. Unfortunetly, they all are only a little
bit better than the script itself. |
I am in complete
awe that any single member of the human race, let alone Matt
Ryan, could concieve of something so terrible. Theis whole thing
just reaks of "rushed product", with characters that
seem to contradict each other and plot resolutions at the end
that left me scratching my head. Not since tingling the back of
the throat with a finger have I found such a sure fire way to
induce vomitting.
Matt created character profiles that we were using all
day while we auditioned people.
He would stick up a poster sized image of these and then
we would look into the crowd and anyone not resembling
the image we would scream at. |
Spin 6 tells the story
of a web of friends and how sometimes, there are
insignificant members of our groups who we do not
appreciate until its too late. Too late because they are
DEAD! This character turns out to be Seth, the
stereotypical loser nerd character who is constantly
hassled by his older jock brother and everyone else he
knows for spending all day hacking into Army systems and
changing grades on the school computer. Now, the movie starts off
promising, sets up characters well enough. But I think it
starts to go down hill at page 25, when it is revealed
that Seth is actually an alien bioweapon sent down to
planet Earth to ensure piece and tranquility by hacking
into miliraty databases and national economy records in
order to keep world wide balance. Unfortunetly, it is
also revealed that Seth has a timer inside him, and in
five days it will go off and he will die. About two
seconds after we learn about this, it happens and Seth is
dead. Now, as everyone stands back and says, "What
happened to Seth?", a new character named Limpia
appears. It turns out that Limpia is actually the
oppossite, female twin of Seth from another dimension.
Where as Seth was nerdy, peaceful and submissive, Limpia
can fit in to society perfectly and was designed for
warfare! For some reason, Limpia has come to Earth to
marry her cross dimensional anti-clone, but when she
discovers that he is dead, she vows to hunt down and kill
every one who was ever mean to him by scanning Seth's
databases stored in his now dead body. Soon, the jock,
the two girls, and the zany neighbor, Stuart, impart on a
journey to Mexico with Seth's corpse in tow to try and
lie low and avoid the rampaging Limpia, as well as the
FBI, who is searching for the body of Seth so that they
can use it for its technology.
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| At this point, the
movie begins to spread itself way too thin for my tastes.
We spend too much time dealing with Limpia coming into
bars in the hometown and killing random travellars and
motorcyclists while trying to find information on the
escaped targets than we do spending time with the orginal
characters in Mexico. This is a terrible, terrible shame,
because some of the scenes in Mexico come close to being
poignant, and at times it seems like the characters may
actually develop into something besides two dimensional
static cliches. But always right as things are starting
to look up, the movie cheapens itself again with another
scene of Limpia killing people with sledge hammers or
taking off her top for no reason. One of the worst parts
of reading the script is having to see the phrase "exposes
her boobies" fifty times. In fact, reading this it
becomes quite clear that Mister Films is trying to lower
its normally amazingly high age demographic to appeal to
horny middle schoolers and teenagers - but with some of
the scenes being as violent and sexual as they are, I
have no idea how material such as this could ever find
its way into human hands. |
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Another annoying
thing that Matt did was to keep up the proud, Nesa originated
tradition of quoting people who never actually existed, or even
misquoting real people. Now, anyone who knows me knows that if
there's one thing I hate, its made up quotes. All they really
serve to do is to shove what the creator of the flick thinks the
theme of the movie is down people's throats. Well, Matt uses
these stupid devices constantly, almost as chapter headings, like
in Fraiser. And he uses them a LOT. Matt was telling me that the
movie may end up being as long as two hours the other day. Well,
there are 50 of these quote things where the screen cuts to black
and shows them! That means that every 2 and a half minutes a
quote will pop up during this flick. The really bad part is that
some of the made up names get a little bit over the edge- I just
think Matt overestimated how gullible people would be. Here's an
example:
"When a
swan breaks its wing in a flock, two swans will fly down from the
flock and stay with it until it is ready to go, at which point
they will fly with it to help it catch up to the flock."
Edward
Masterson
Okay, well anyone
who's read the Everything Man script should be well aware of what
that that's fake, but I guess since the movie never got finished
its safe enough. But then sometimes, he goes over the edge, like
this:
"Some
people have no value, they will live their lives uselessly and
forever be a burden to anyone in their way."
Captain Pee-Pee
Head
Now, I could be
mistaken, but I don't think many people will believe that Captain
Pee-Pee Head would say something that cynical. I mean, he's
Captain Pee-Pee Head for crying out loud! The guys a national
hero whose mere name alone causes extreme joy and mirth among
toddlers and five year olds and he is looked up to as a model
citizen across the country. I remember in fifth grade when
Captain Pee-Pee Head came to my school and told us all not to do
drugs, and nobody came to class with red eyes for well over a
week! I think the audience outcry that will occur when people see
this terrible, heartless quote seemingly coming from the mouth of
Captain Pee-Pee Head himself will cause a tremendous blow to any
major box office dough Matt's thinking of raking in with this
trash heap.
| But now, what is hands
down, without a doubt the worse part of this mess is the
ending. Finally, after the team has given the corpse of
Seth back to the jock's ex miliatry comrade for safe
keeping, they come back to town and Limpia finds them and
kills two of them anyway (including Stuart, whose zany
comments offered up the only real enjoyment in the script
for the last 127 pages). And then, in one of the most
anti-climatic battle scenes ever, the jock guy just pulls
out a gun from nowhere and says, "Now, you will go
to hell!" and shoots Limpia in the face and
instantly kills her. Matt told me this was an homage to
Eight-Ball, but I don't think people are going to like
the instant, ungratifying save it gives the protaganists,
as this just rubs against the grain of any drama which
has been built up to that point, unlike in Eight-Ball.
After Limpia is done spewing up "white blood" (yes,
Matt even rips off Aliens in this film) the jock and one
of the girls spend EIGHT PAGES OF DIALOGUE philosophizing
about the meaning of existence and why society is evil in
some ways but that mankind still has hope and - oh God, I
don't even want to think about it. There's even FOUR
QUOTES during this boring exchange, which, given the
description in the script, are going to be transparent
and laid over the movie AS THE TWO CHARACTERS ARE TALKING!
And at the end, they find a really stupid way to bring
Seth back to life using Limpia's robot parts, just so
Seth can give yet another boring sililoquy about how now
perhaps Limpia will always be with him. All that build up
and they just bring Seth back that easily. |
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This whole script
is just a train wreck. I have no idea how director Matt Ryan will
be able to pull it all off. If there's anyone I could trust to
something like this, it would be him, but he certainly has his
work cut out for him.
1/10 Absolute Dog Crap
(C) 2002 Tim Simpson and Spin 6
is (C) 2002 Matt Ryan
-All material © 2007 Tim Simpson unless otherwise noted-
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